Joel’s Improved Personal Website
Faith
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? ...Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.
O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore I will remember thee.
— Psalm 42
Woke up today feeling very worthless.
This is the response of the spirit to the soul on one side, and to God on the other. To the soul: you are cast down – why? To God: My soul *is* cast down. I feel this exchange going on inside constantly.
In my soul there is pain that is almost physical. I carry it around with me and feel it when I breathe.
In my spirit there is some kind of faith and groundedness. It rules over my thoughts; allows emotions to be felt honestly without drowning me; and, like the psalmist above, repeatedly brings my thoughts back around to God and awakens my thirst for him.
What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?
— Job 2For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me.
— Job 3
Job was a man focused on God, and whom God had blessed…but during all that time he was given to fear. Job was accused of using God as a kind of magic charm for his circumstances. “Does Job fear God for nothing? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands…but put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.” Everything was ripped away; Job’s faith remained.
Last fall, I woke up and found the faith I thought I had was gone. I was literally nothing. I “believed in God” more than ever, but could not approach him, neither would he approach me. It wasn’t until after months of searching and crying out that he answered in his own good time, and “set my feet upon a rock.” Now God was not just something I believed in – he was someone I knew and experienced!
Then in Spring my circumstances changed for the better, suddenly and miraculously. Obviously it was easy to joy in the LORD. It was true joy…but there was fear in my heart also.
And then it happened…why the need for so much pain? How did this happen? – I continually ask myself. But this fact stands out for me: after the expectations and blessings (which I didn’t deserve anyway) were ripped away from me, the faith remained, and burns clearer now than ever. There is no effort in this faith, no word pictures or spiritual regimens to keep it propped up; it is all of God. I only sit here and watch it in amazement. I need no longer speculate that my faith might come only from my circumstances.
He wants me to love him, and others, like Christ loves: without conditions. He teaches this to his children, as you see, by removing all conditions: the conditions we place on God, the conditions we place on our brothers and sisters. I don’t know specifically what he wants me to do next. I think I will sit here in the valley awhile, though, enjoy his company, and wait.
For who among men discerns another’s thoughts
except the spirit of man which is in him?So also
no one comprehends the thoughts of God
except the Spirit of God.
— I Corinthians 2
Maybe this will encourage you. I do not expect everyone to understand.